By Elaine L. Orr
Anyone who writes fiction or nonfiction will tell you that you either grab a reader with the first few sentences or you don't. If they've read other books you've written they may keep reading, but you want those new readers.
For New Lease on Death, Jolie's work appraising houses is at the forefront even more than usual. I chose that profession because she can move around town and interact with a lot of people -- and because almost everyone buys real estate at some point. We can relate.
However, there are many aspects to her life -- friends, family, and the food pantry she's the nominal head of. I try to blend in all of it without "telling" too much about what she does.
I'm reworking the draft, and decided to retain the focus of the first chapter but shift the emphasis. Let's call these Opening 1 and Opening 2. Opening 1 has been in place for months.
OPENING 1
EACH TIME I CLIMB the steps to the Ocean Alley boardwalk, I
figure it won’t be long before I can’t keep up with my twins. Today reinforced
the point. Lance and Leia stopped abruptly at the top of the boardwalk steps
and I almost rear-ended Leia's day-care backpack. "I thought you two were
in a hurry."
Lance turned to his sister and frowned. "Don't you know
you're supposed to look before you cross the street?"
"It's not a street," Leia said. She moved past him
and walked right, toward Java Jolt
Coffee House. "I want my apple juice."
Lance followed. “Me, too.”
"I need you two to drink your juice and talk quietly. I
have to go over the notes from a house I just visited before I talk to Uncle
Harry about the appraisal I have to write up."
In tandem, they said, “Boooooring.”
Since they were now ahead of me, they couldn’t see my eye
roll. Every week or so it seems they test a new expression. At the moment,
boring things included breakfast cereal, the stories Scoobie and I read at
bedtime, and apparently quietly drinking juice after day care.
“I know you guys practiced saying that.”
Lance glanced at Leia and his smirk gave them away. They
began to trot and I picked up my pace.
(A few paragraphs later, we get to real estate.)
As much as I would have liked for us to take a leisurely
stroll, the appraisal I needed to finish was for a home Buck Brock had made a
purchase offer for. Unlike realtor Lester Argrow, Buck hopes appraisals come in
low. He’s buying houses to add to his inventory of short-term rentals, which he
manages himself.
Lester is generally selling houses as a traditional real
estate agent, and he makes more commission if the houses go for a higher price.
As he regularly reminds me.
OPENING 2
I LIVE AT THE JUNCTURE of Arrogant and Stubborn. On one side
of the block is Buck Brock, a property developer who is pleased when real estate
appraisals I do show a house’s value is less than the contract he has offered
to a seller. He may get to pay less.
On the other side is Lester Argrow, whose aim in life is to
sell houses for top dollar so he gets more commission – a common goal for
realtors. However, since Lester entices buyers from larger cities with
well-placed ads on social media, the hopeful homeowners may not be familiar with
the Ocean Alley market. They offer larger sums than an appraisal will support.
Both men argue with me. I remind them the banks who will
underwrite mortgages are my clients. Banks don’t want to lend money and later
learn a house isn’t worth much more than the paper the mortgage is written on.
The banks also pay for the work.
What is a woman to do?
Since she’s a woman with a multifaceted life, this Friday afternoon she’s going to take her four-year old twins to Java Jolt Coffee House.
She will sip brown goodness while she interprets the handwriting in the notes
she wrote when she conducted a recent appraisal visit.
As I climbed the steps to the Ocean Alley boardwalk, I
figured it won’t be long before I can’t keep up with our twins. Today reinforced
the point. Lance and Leia stopped abruptly at the top of the boardwalk steps
and I almost rear-ended Leia's day-care backpack. "I thought you two were
in a hurry."
I THINK THE CHOICE IS CLEAR
The first opening let me get into the story by traipsing to the Jersey Shore boardwalk with Jolie and her twins. I needed to write that to get in touch with key characters. But it's not what the reader needs to experience at the start the story.
Opening 2 will includes the twins' chatter after Jolie's musings about what will pertain more to the core of the story -- real estate arguments (some fatal). .
I take this as a good reminder of why we need to truly regard early versions as drafts that can be taken apart and stitched together differently.
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