It has come to the attention of the
Lexicon Tribunal that there is a growing confusion in the land over which
individuals have entered into the official partnership known as
"marriage." After careful
study, the Tribunal has determined that the cause of this consternation is the
relatively recent decision of many women to defy the time-honored tradition of
adopting the man's family name.
There seems to be no logical reason
for this rash practice. The Tribunal
foresees untold problems if this convention is permitted to continue. Will telephone directories, already bloated
by the addition of second phone lines for fax machines, double in
size yet again?
Will mothers-in-law be
forced to learn their daughters-in-laws' names, rather than simply putting the
prefix "Mrs." before their sons' names? How will nosy neighbors be able to tell the
difference between married couples who have two distinct names and two people
simply living in sin?
After holding extensive hearings, at
which Tribunal members were repeatedly insulted for daring to raise the topic,
we have developed criteria for determining which of the prospective partners'
names should become the family name under which the marriage contract can be
consummated.
- If there is a difference of more than three letters in the length of the name, the shorter name will be used. However, both parties can agree to use the longer name if three sets of witnesses attest that this decision was reached without bloodshed.
- If there is a difference of three letters or fewer, three criteria are suggested:
- The name that is the most Waspish will prevail.
- If both names are ethnic in character, the one that is the butt of the fewest jokes will be selected. (If there is difficulty determining this, both parties will stand near the playground for a classroom of fourth graders, preferably boys, and keep track of the nationalities most insulted. As in golf, the lowest score wins.)
- If one name is or rhymes with "fairy," "duck," or "rick," the other will be employed. This is in consideration of possible offspring of the partnership.
There is, of course, the delicacy
issue. The Tribunal greatly appreciated
the many suggestions of inappropriate name combinations that members of the
public offered. For instance:
- If Holly Hunt married Max Roach, her name would be Holly Hunt-Roach.
- If Jane Fonda married Jon Peters, her name would be Jane Fonda-Peters.
- If Dan Coffey married Peter Sellars, his name would be Dan Coffey-Sellars.
The full text of these examples is
available in the reference section of the library. Parental approval is required for individuals
under age 18. The Tribunal respectfully
requests that citizens stop submitting examples for its review.
* * * * *
For some of Elaine's more traditional writing, visit www.elaineorr.com. In the comments section here, you are welcome to post additional examples of hyphenated names. I took a humor writing class from Dan Coffey at the University of Iowa Summer Writing Festival. To see more of his wit, check out his travel blog, Geezers Abroad.